I may not put much thought into Christmas lists today, but back when I was a kid they were practically an art form. From the presentation to the content itself, I pulled out all the stops to draw attention to whatever it was I coveted at the time.
Thanks to the magic of Never Throwing Anything Away, we can now take a trip back to 1994 to see how well my wants, needs, and frothing demands stack up today.
When I first found this relic, I was instantly transported to more carefree days. While it may indeed be “just another Christmas list,” there’s a certain element of time travel involved when you’re staring down the barrel of crumpled yellow legal paper full of must-own games, consoles, and action figures. Ever the savvy child, my ’94 list is ordered by priority, with the first page practically screaming Castlevania: Bloodlines at a visual volume my parents would never be able to ignore.
Bloodlines is a great example of a game I’d still be asking for today if I didn’t already own it. With that logo so boldly emblazoned on the page, there’s no way my folks could mistake it for anything else, but I’m willing to admit a prominent Belmont, skeleton, or Dracula himself could have made my plan even more foolproof. The rest of the first page is a mixed bag. The visual aids for the other two solid picks — Splatterhouse 3 and Shinobi III — have long since lost the battle with time. Rounding out the Sega Genesis page are X-Men and Aladdin, the latter of which earned an asterisk from, most likely, my mom.
I could live without X-Men, but Aladdin was pretty great on Genesis. Splatterhouse 3 is my least played of the trilogy, but it was at least interesting and very grody. The rest of this page earns it a solid score overall.
PAGE ONE RATING: 8/10
Best Pick: Castlevania: Bloodlines
Worst Pick: X-Men
We bought a T-Rex
The Super Nintendo page is about as bare-bones as can be, with two very disparate outings front and center. Judging by my own memory, the asterisk, the “K-Mart” note, and the checkmark at the bottom, I can deduce that my parents went with Super Empire Strikes Back, which was not pictured.
As for Ocean-published entry, it was 1994, one year after Jurassic Park hit cinemas, so you can’t blame me for wanting to live that harrowing adventure for myself. As you’ll see over the following pages, though, my greed knew no bounds. I didn’t just want a single slice, I wanted the whole Jurassic Park video game pie for Christmas.
Also, all the folks out there who’ve been complaining about 60 dollar games for the past decade can take that Mario All-Stars price point straight to the bank.
PAGE TWO RATING: 6/10
Best Pick: Super Mario All-Stars
Worst Pick: Jurassic Park
That is one big pile of list
Here’s a prime example of “one of these things is not like the other.” On one end of the spectrum we have Jurassic Park and Mortal Kombat on Game Boy, both of which are not worth playing or owning for different reasons. On the other we have The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, one of the best Game Boy games of all time. The games might not all be created equal, but that on-page ranking speaks for itself.
Link, it would seem, found a way.
PAGE THREE RATING: 5/10
Best Pick: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
Worst Pick: TIE – Jurassic Park / Mortal Kombat
Man creates batteries. Game Gear destroys batteries.
If I were to tell you this is the last Jurassic Park related item on this list, would you believe me? I guess I didn’t actually have a Game Gear just yet, but I sure wanted one. I also wanted Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six, Strider Returns, Sonic Chaos, and, yes, Jurassic Park. What, exactly, was I going to do with all this time spent on Isla Nublar? If we’re taking asterisks as canon for this Christmas list, I was a real spoiled brat in 1994.
PAGE FOUR RATING: 3/10
Best Pick: Game Gear? I probably put a bunch of Energizer employees’ children through college with this.
Worst Pick: Jurassic Park? At this point I don’t remember how bad this one was.
God help us, we’re in the hands of engineers.
“Finally,” you shriek, “video game accessories!” Buddy, I’m just as excited as you are looking back at all this primo plastic from a time long-forgotten. Consider this the first of two bonus rounds, as we weigh the relative wisdom behind asking for some truly essential accoutrement. Looking back, SNES Advantage is absolutely not a controller that would have gotten much use in my household. The Game Boy Carry-All is certainly practical, as are the Game Gear Battery Pack, Game Boy Power Pak, and, no longer pictured, the six-button Genesis controller.
The all-powerful asterisk tells the tale of a rotten little cheater, however. A game-breaking goober who absolutely, positively deserves to find rubbish like the X-Men: Project X Tiger LCD game in his stocking.
PAGE FIVE RATING: 3/10
Best Pick: Game Gear Battery Pack
Worst Pick: Literally any Tiger LCD game
We spared no expense.
At this point, I’m just laying my obsession with Steven Spielberg’s 1993 classic American film Jurassic Park — based on the hit novel by Michael Crichton — bare for all to witness. The “Toys and Boardgames” section is truly a depraved last effort to add to an embarrassment of indulgences. Just look at those Jurassic Park figures on order! Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Tim Murphy, and Ellie Sattler. TIM MURPHY? In my world, apparently you had to catch ’em all before that was even a thing.
Beyond that we have a trio of X-Men figures, the Jurassic Park Compound Center, Jurassic Park Survival Chase slot car set, Lego Fire-Breathing Fortress, and The Omega Virus. I had to look up what The Omega Virus even is, and I think I own it. Apparently it’s a board game. Wasn’t there some Jurassic Park board game I could have swapped in its place to stay on theme? The box copy screams, “It talks! It taunts! It must be terminated!” If ever there was a time to sell me on a talking electronic board game, it was the early ’90s.
PAGE SIX RATING: 4/10
Best Pick: Ellie Sattler
Worst Pick: Tim Murphy
When the dust settles after blowing it off these ancient yuletide yearnings, it doesn’t really matter what I think about them. I leave this overly ambitious list to the judgment of others, so that I, too, may be judged in turn. It might seem as if a key takeaway should be that I’m the biggest mark ever for the Jurassic Park Classic Games Collection, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was a big dummy; those games stink!
